An Ask Roe letter offers a starting point for gay men over 35 assessing secrecy, attachment and the space they want for community and commitment.
On November 1, 2026, The Irish Times published Roe McDermott’s “Ask Roe” response to a man in his 50s who described growing attached to a slightly younger married man with children.
The column brings together several details about the writer’s relationships and social life:
McDermott centers the writer’s wishes rather than trying to predict whether the married man will come out or leave his family. Her interpretation is that greater community involvement is helping him recognize possibilities beyond the affair. Friendship and romance become things he can want for himself rather than possibilities dependent on another man changing his circumstances.
That interpretation has some relevant context in research concerning older LGBTQ+ adults. The supporting material describes belonging and affirming social ties as meaningful themes in some people’s accounts of wellbeing. It also discusses psychologically safe group spaces as a promising approach to connection.
The evidence has clear limits. McDermott’s response is an interpretation of one letter rather than a clinical assessment or a tested relationship intervention. The supporting research is small-scale and qualitative or exploratory; its workshop component lacks a comparison group. It does not establish how common these experiences are or prove that the workshops caused reported improvements.
The writer’s “down days” do not establish a diagnosis or show that the affair caused them. Nor does this material demonstrate that a secret relationship causes poor physical health or that leaving one extends life. Its useful contribution is a framework for reflection rather than a health prediction.
For a gay man over 35 thinking about his daily routine and longer-term wellbeing, the practical question is straightforward: does this arrangement fit the life he wants to be living?
Start with what exists now. In the letter, sexual connection and growing attachment are present. The fuller relationship the writer wants is not. McDermott’s advice keeps that distinction visible rather than allowing the importance of the connection to answer every other question.
A useful reflection is to separate what a relationship provides from what you hope it might eventually provide:
These questions are not a scoring system. A connection can matter deeply and still leave important wishes unanswered. Recognizing that gap does not require pretending the relationship meant nothing.
The practical shift is to assess the arrangement on its current terms. A possible future is not the same thing as a shared plan. McDermott’s advice asks the writer to stop making his own wants secondary to speculation about what the married man might eventually do.
Openness does not have to mean posting a relationship online or discussing your sexuality with everyone you know. For this reflection, it means asking whether a relationship has room within the social life you actually want.
That might include being able to share ordinary experiences together. It might mean not organizing every encounter around concealment. The relevant question is whether the boundaries are compatible with your needs rather than whether the relationship looks public enough to other people.
Privacy and secrecy are not interchangeable editorial judgments here. Privacy can be something you value. A hidden arrangement becomes a different question when its terms are built around another person’s circumstances and leave little room for your own wishes.
There is no need to turn that distinction into a demand to disclose your sexuality. Nor is this an argument that every gay man should seek the same kind of partnership. The standard is whether the arrangement fits your needs and values without ignoring the people affected by it.
For someone who has found accepting his sexuality difficult, that question deserves care rather than an instruction to become more visible on demand.
Community is not merely a place to look for a replacement partner. In McDermott’s reading of the letter, it is helping the writer see a wider range of possibilities for his life.
The practical application is to give friendship and social participation a place that does not depend on a romantic partner’s availability. A low-pressure social plan can matter on its own terms. Contact with people who recognize your sexuality without making it your entire identity can be something you seek for its own sake.
There is no need to make a particular gay scene the benchmark. The goal is connection that fits you rather than proof that you are participating correctly. GayFitLab’s guide to building friendships across different backgrounds and experiences offers a related place to think about the connections you want.
For a man focused on healthspan, the editorial priority is a daily life with room for relationships beyond the romantic arrangement under review. That means treating friendship and belonging as legitimate priorities rather than postponing them until a relationship becomes settled.
There is also no deadline to find someone new. If dating becomes part of the next chapter, questions about dating-app anxiety belong in that discussion without making an app the automatic answer to wanting more connection.
McDermott does not dismiss the relationship’s significance to the letter writer. She also acknowledges the moral complication: the married man’s concealment affects his family. Both points belong in an honest assessment.
The relationship having mattered does not excuse the cheating. The harm of concealment does not require denying the writer’s feelings either. A useful assessment holds those facts together instead of using one to cancel the other.
For the reader, that means asking more than whether the connection feels good when it is available. It means asking what place it occupies in your life and whether its present terms remain acceptable to you. Attachment is part of that decision rather than a reason to suspend it indefinitely.
Wanting a fuller relationship is not an accusation that sexual connection is trivial. It is a statement about what you want alongside it. You can value affection without deciding that affection must be enough.
The column’s most useful redirection is away from interpreting the married man’s future and toward recognizing the writer’s present wishes. That keeps the decision centered on something he can assess rather than a promise the column cannot make on anyone’s behalf.
Low mood deserves attention in its own right rather than being treated only as evidence for or against a relationship. If persistent distress is part of your situation, a qualified mental-health professional is the appropriate person to discuss your experience and support needs with.
That conversation can include sexuality and relationships without making either the predetermined explanation. You do not have to settle every question about the affair before seeking support.
The practical distinction is between assessing whether a relationship fits and asking for help with ongoing distress. Those questions can be addressed alongside each other without forcing one decision to carry the whole weight of your wellbeing.
Assess a relationship by what it offers now and how it fits your values, while making room for friendship and the fuller life you want rather than waiting for someone else’s circumstances to change.
Deciding whether a hidden relationship leaves room for a full social life is where GayFitLab’s relationship coverage becomes relevant. Its research-led editorial brings gay social and sexual-health context to questions about intimacy and community, helping men 35+ assess advice without assuming one relationship style or expression of masculinity should be the goal.
Stay connected for research-led guidance on fitness, body composition, skin, grooming, vitality, sexual wellbeing, relationships and healthy aging. Clear ideas for gay men 35+ who want to look good, feel strong and age with confidence.
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